Have you had enough of this yet? Of how you are feeling? Maybe of how you respond or behave to a person or situation? Do you want something to be different? To change?

If you are ready, this piece of writing will give you the first steps. It's longer than usual (don't worry it's not war and peace) so you might want to take it in sections or come back to it.

If you have read my other writing, you will know that you feel this way because of your history. You are predetermined to feel and behave a certain way. If you have always behaved like that, it is easy to believe that's just how you are. WRONG! 

It is how you are today, yes but by training yourself, you can be whoever you choose to be.

Behaviour and beliefs can be changed if you dare to try.

Change is possible! You have to rewrite your wiring and that takes time but you can indeed change. I did!

So how to change. Become conscious of what you want. There are a few rules to this.

I suggest you grab a pen and paper and make time to think about the rules. It is these that will help you succeed…

 

REFLECTIONS

When asked how life could be different from now, people often reply in the negative. I don’t want this, I don’t like that. 

This is a fundamental mistake because the human brain doesn’t see the negative. 

If I tell you NOT to think about the colour red, what do you think about? 

The dog didn’t chase the cat…

You are not in danger…

When you think with negatives, your brain has nothing positive to work with. It doesn't see the negative. 

I don't want this anxiety anymore…

In order for your change to happen, you have to be consciously aware enough to make things change, and if you haven’t thought about what you would like to change about yourself, how can you change it? 

There is more to it than how you don’t want things to be. 

How do you want to be? 

If you don’t give yourself an idea of how you want to be, how will you know what to change? It is so obvious and yet we are all guilty of making this mistake.

So this is your first task.

If you want to feel less anxious, what do you want to feel?

If you don’t want to feel angry, what do you want to feel?

If you don’t want to keep going with the wrong people, what do you want?

If you don’t want to respond that way anymore, how do you want to respond?

Take some time to think of what you want. How you want to be…

Write it down. Make it real! 

 

GIVING UP

Every behaviour serves a purpose, that is to say it has positive intent. Fundamentally, we are programmed to gain something from what we do. Some people might say they want to lose or give up something: Weight, smoking, a fear – all examples of losing something. 

“I want to give up smoking but when I try, I can't think about anything else but smoking. I don’t want to think about cigarettes anymore. I want to give it up.” Where is the positive intent? It is bound to fail!

The trouble with giving up anything, is the mind connects it with losing or missing out on something. Why would it want to lose or give up anything? It would be far happier to gain something. If you believe you are losing or giving something up, where is the drive in doing so? Why would you work hard to lose something?

So the trick when thinking about giving up or losing something is to turn the negative into a positive. Think about the gains. 

So losing weight isn’t about losing the weight but more about gaining confidence by looking and feeling better about yourself. Maybe feeling more healthy.

Not being so anxious, isn’t about being less anxious. It’s about feeling calmer. Happier maybe. Maybe you will be able to think clearer. It’s about being able to go out, speak to people. Maybe getting more of a life.

These are just ideas.  An individual knows what advantages there are for them.

What are your advantages for change?

What will you gain? Think of all the positives.

Write down as many things as possible that you will gain from making the change.

Make it real 

 

TRYING LEADS TO FAILURE

I try to lose weight. I try to give up smoking. I am trying to be less anxious. The word try can imply failure. It certainly allows it! So when things get tough and they will, “I’ve tried but it’s just too hard”, comes really easy.

“I’ve tried to lose this weight but I just can’t shift it”, allows you to stop trying. Giving up means you have failed. You might try again down the line but until you tell yourself “I am going to”, “trying“ sets you up to fail.

Learning to succeed leads to small wins. Ok I had a relapse and I couldn’t stop myself. What did you learn? What can you do differently next time?

Stop beating yourself up for relapsing! “Oh ffs, I did it again! I’m useless! I can’t do it! It’s too hard!” Remember, your gremlins are cunts! We are much harder on ourselves than other people. If you spoke to others like you did yourself, they wouldn’t appreciate it. 

How can you help yourself succeed? What would you tell other people? If you spoke to yourself in the same way, you might find you succeed. You might even start to like yourself a little more. 

Stop trying and start learning to achieve your goals. Make mistakes and turn them into lessons. That’s what they're for! That is EXACTLY how we learn anything. How many times did you fall down before you learned to walk? You never tried to learn to walk, you learnt by falling down.

How are you going to help yourself succeed this time? Write it down. Make it real!

 

CHANGING YOU

The other mistake is trying to change other people. Wishing another person wouldn’t (a negative) behave a certain way or wanting them to be different is the obvious thought. Someone else changing, would mean you would not have to!

 

People behave with positive intentions. Once upon a time, you learned that the best way to behave is how you are behaving now. It did something positive for you or at least you believed it would. 

Why does someone say yes when they want to say no? At some point in their history, they thought it was for the best. In the beginning, there was a purpose behind the habit. 

Why do you say no when yes would be more fun. That fear you have. That narrative you tell yourself is probably there to keep you safe. Whether it does or not is a different matter.

So you are behaving with the best of intentions. Trouble is, so is the person who you want to change. They are coming to the situation from their past. Their beliefs. How they have learnt to feel. They see it from their perspective. They have a different reality to you.

Their behaviour of course best serves their purpose, or at least what they have learned best serves their purpose. They are reacting to their past and what they have learned is the best way to deal with a situation, whether we think it is or not. 

People react to how they perceive our behaviour. How they react to us is a consequence of their history. 

If you want others to change their behaviour towards you, you may have to first change your behaviour towards them. Who else but you could ensure the correct sort of behaviour for you? Only you know what’s right for you. Once you start to change, people will respond differently and consequently you will get your change from them.  But you have to change first.

How could you change your behaviour in order to change someone else’s?

Remember to think about it in positive terms. If you “Wouldn’t do that anymore”, what would you do instead?

Write it down. Make it real!

 

SMALL STEPS

I want to be fixed now! I want to go from a size 20 to a size 10. I want to run a marathon. I want to go out to gigs alone. Meet people. Be the life and soul… Sounds scary and impossible and realistically, I’m set to fail hideously.

 

You can’t jump into to something big style and expect you will succeed first time. 

I’m going to look the shop assistant in the eye and say hello today. I’m going to succeed. I am going to stand outside. I’m going for a walk today… maybe. 

If you cannot manage the goal you set, be kind  to yourself. Lower your expectation and try again. Keep going, it gets easier.

Small steps lead to big changes. Just one step off your normal path and you will end up in a different place than if you stayed on your original path.

 

FOOD FOR THOUGHT BEFORE YOU MOVE ON WITH YOUR DAY

It’s time to decide now. What do you want?

Take some time to think about it in positive terms. Jot down a few ideas maybe…

State it in the positive and make sure it's your change for you.

Imagine the type of person you’ll be…

Imagine how it would feel...

How would you respond to situations?

How does it feel?

If you worry about how you will manage, this is your mind swindle playing tricks on you. You will learn how to grow into the new you.. Learning from every mistake you make along the way.

Small steps makes big changes.

#ChooseChange

 

NOW is such a simple concept it shouldn’t really need explaining, and yet it does. Now is NOW! This moment. But what is this moment?

 

Well at this moment you are reading these words. Your eyes scan the screen. Your hands hold your phone or touch the keys. Your eyes recognise the words. Your fingers scroll. How does it feel to touch? You are probably sitting or lying and hopefully relaxing – contemplating this simple subject. Now is this moment.

 

But where is your mind while you are relaxing here now? Are you contemplating the future or thinking about the past?

 

What are you doing NOW?

 

What is your mind doing? Does it wander? 

 

What are your thoughts saying? 

 

What are you feeling? 

 

What are the chemicals driving your body?

 

What are you responding to? What is happening to YOU right now?

 

Do you know why you are feeling like this?

 

Whilst you are in this moment now, you are responding from the perspective of your past. It is your past that has made you the person you are today. You behave as you do because of your past. It is what you believe is correct. It is YOUR TRUTH that you have learned as truth.

 

As you read these words you will respond to them according to your past. You may think this is all pseudo science or you may be excited to learn new ideas, eager to read on and see where it leads. It’s all dependent on your past and how it has taught you to respond to these things.

 

What did your past teach you?

 

How do you respond to this? 

 

So who are you NOW? The sum of your past. A different you with a different past would see this situation differently.  They would have a different reality. They would respond differently and the outcome would be different.

 

If you look back at your history, you know where you have come from. You know why you are here now. 

 

You can see the people who have influenced your life for the better or worse; taught you what to think and what to believe. They taught you about the world and your place in it. What to expect from it. Through them, you learned how to respond to the world and so you do now without really thinking about it.

 

You are at this point now, possibly upset about the past - responding to it as though it were happening still.

 

It was your past that made you believe those things.

 

It is your past that makes you feel those things.

 

It is your past that makes you do those things.

 

You may be here NOW but it is your past that dictates what you do now. It is your mind swindle making the same things play out over and over.

 

And so to the future.  You sit here in the now and predict it. What is going to happen? You are responding physically to what you believe is happening. It doesn’t matter what is happening. You respond to what you THINK is happening or what you imagine might happen. 

 

Remember the brain does know the difference between what is real and what is imagined and you are viewing things from your own reality. From a perspective of what’s happened in the past, from how you remember it.

 

Your thoughts bring about a series of chemicals reactions and behaviour patterns initiated from your past/ future loops and triggers. 

 

Imagine someone who has had an unhappy relationship. The relationship ends and they are left feeling rejected. How might that affect future relationships? 

 

If something triggers a memory how might they start to feel? How might it affect their behaviour? How will it affect how the other person feels? If not checked and changed how might it affect the new relationship?

 

How we think things will happen makes us respond in certain ways. What we believe affects our perspective and behaviour. We unconsciously respond as we know - what we believe is correct.

 

We think it is the best course of action without ever questioning if it is, and quite often it is that action that causes the thing we fear. We make things happen with a self-fulfilling prophecy. “I knew they’d leave me. Everybody does.”

 

If you have had a good life, you will expect more of the same. If you have had an unfortunate life where you’ve had it tough, why would you expect things to improve for you? You will fully expect things to go wrong.

 

This belief will determine how you respond to events. Therefore, whilst thinking about the future and what may happen, we behave in the now and this of course affects the outcome.

 

Not knowing the future can cause anxiety, a fear of the unknown, so our mind creates a future. We second guess what is going to happen next. When looking ahead you literally imagine what is to come – what might happen. This is unconscious and we do it continuously.

 

The situations in which we find ourselves are a repeat of times before. Our belief systems do not change so we continue to believe the same and therefore our actions remain the same. 

 

The original thought about how to behave is reinforced so lives continue to go round in circles as we learn that “that” is the best way to behave. Your thoughts, feelings and behaviour bring about a certain response.

 

This is your mind swindle.

 

Imagine being a rock climber. Rock climbing involves climbing up rock faces where the goal is to reach the summit. Rock climbing is a physically and mentally demanding sport. It tests a climber's strength, endurance, agility and balance, along with their mental control. How do they manage to climb up rock faces and stay alive? By staying aware of their surroundings - noticing what’s around them. In short living in the now. 

 

What would happen if they left the now? If they looked down and became scared they may fall. What if they started to worry what might happen as they climbed further? How would that affect their behaviour? Reaching the summit safely is dependent on full concentration, living in the moment. 

 

Now is such a simple concept. People may think it is obvious but is it?

 

Now is this moment, but where is your mind at this moment? Are you reacting to past events or foreseeing the future?

 

Food for thought:

If you stopped being stressed about what was behind or ahead of you, what would you have to worry about? 

 

If you took the situation and dealt with it as it arose, how would this affect you? Remember the rock climber?

 

What you imagine might happen, might not happen. Perhaps if you dealt with it when it happened as opposed to being in fear of the fact it might happen, things might be different. You may choose in the moment to behave in an entirely different way if you hadn’t already programmed yourself.

 

When the mind believes it might be in danger, it unconsciously instructs the body to make adrenaline. A stimulus enters your brain through at least one of your senses. You either hear, see, feel, smell or taste something that makes you believe there is danger ahead. The stimulus comes into your brain to the thalamus which is the central hub for all incoming stimuli. It then gets sent on to the relevant place within the brain to be processed fully.

If there is possible danger, the first part of the fear response sequence is alerted. This is called the amygdala (a_myg_dala). The amygdala is one of two small almond-shaped masses, one on each side of your brain. Not only does it initiate the fear response but also controls where you store your memories. So if you hear a loud bang outside the house during the night, it reminds you to be fearful. It sends an alert by way of a chemical to the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is just below the thalamus and is in charge of a multitude of tasks (sleep cycles, the balancing of the body, controlling blood pressure and body temperature and weight to name just a few). The hypothalamus in turn sends a chemical signal to the pituitary gland just below it outside the brain, which releases a hormone that tells the adrenal glands just above the kidneys to prepare the body for action. 

Along with adrenaline, cortisol is released which increases blood sugar, and is an anti-inflammatory to help the body repair after the emergency. The body gears up for action. Adrenaline and cortisol then flow through the bloodstream, attaching to different parts of the body such as the liver and the heart and make them act a certain way. They open up main arteries making the blood pump faster; our hearts race; we get a rush of energy from the extra sugar that the liver has stored; and in the eyes, our pupils dilate for better vision. This all happens unconsciously in a fiftieth of a second to prepare the body for fight or flight.

So the moment you are alerted to potential danger, your body gets ready to deal with it. This is instantaneous and there is no conscious thought involved. This is called the low road to the fear path.

When you are adrenalised your body is on high alert and you look for proof that danger is there. If you are used to looking for danger, you will be more likely to see it or worry that the danger is there. It becomes a cycle. You can stay on high alert and your stress response will keep firing. It is obvious really. People who suffer with anxiety worry about more things than people who are more relaxed.

Usually if it is discovered that there is no emergency, the adrenaline production stops and levels return to normal. There is a cut-off switch which prevents levels getting too high. This is called a positive feedback loop. The hippocampus tells the hypothalamus that no more adrenaline is needed. The cortisol is broken down in the blood stream and you return to your normal state. 

If you keep becoming adrenalized, there is no cut-off switch. The positive feedback loop becomes negative. The cortisol which is made alongside the adrenaline damages the receptors in the hippocampus (which largely helps you to store memories) and prevents the positive feedback loop from working. The adrenaline and cortisol keep building. The extra cortisol damages the cells and receptors of the hippocampus, which in turn affects the person’s memory and will make them suffer brain fog.

Adrenaline continues to be made until you can’t make any more. You then go into adrenal failure and the person who is used to running on high levels of adrenaline finds they have no more, which means they stop moving at the same rate. They feel unable to move or think and become depressed.

So how does the chain reaction start? With a thought, real or imagined: ‘This could be dangerous or scary’; ‘I am in trouble’ or ‘Oh, how exciting!’.  All of them elicit this kind of bodily response, the body’s need for adrenaline.

Of course this doesn’t happen with just adrenaline. Each thought you have creates a need for different chemicals to be made, adrenaline being just one of them.

If your mind focuses itself on a particular thought or way of thinking most of the time, the body will be constantly flooded by a particular chemical, so too will the cells. The cell receptors on the surface can become desensitised, making them shrivel causing a loss of receptors. The body needs bigger hits of adrenaline to get the same response. This is how people’s tolerance to chemicals including drugs can build.

Your body gets used to thinking worrying thoughts which means you become more adrenalized. Your body, awash with adrenaline, is limited to how it behaves. It is hard to feel good if you are always thinking bad thoughts and it is always hard to think good thoughts if you are always feeling agitated. It’s a circle that continues to make you feel bad.

An excess of one chemical may leave you lacking in others. This will deprive you of different instructions on how to feel and how to behave. With the example of adrenaline, it makes the body shut down non-essential systems such as the digestive system. What will happen if your digestive system is continually shut down through too much adrenaline? 

Serotonin is one of the chemicals that is associated with happiness. It affects how we feel, how we sleep, our appetite, and also muscle contraction and brain functions such as memory and learning. The chemical that makes serotonin is made in the stomach, so when the digestive system is suppressed because of fear of danger, it stands to reason that so too is the making of serotonin. This can, if continued, lead to depression too. 

This is just one example of how too much of one chemical alters the way a person feels and behaves. This whole process happens with every thought, good and bad, without the person consciously being aware of it. When the person gets into a certain way of thinking, they quite literally fall into a habit of feeling

that way too.

I'm sorry if the word offends you but there is no better description for your gremlins than the worst word in the world! If it offends you, please read a different blog. If not, read on...

 

You know that inner monologue, the narrative you tell yourself? The stream of consciousness that only you hear. Negative, critical self talk that makes you feel like crap!

Some people I work with call them gremlins. I call them cunts.

They are always there. Quick to criticise and point out faults. Quick to judge and let you know everyone is already judging you. They do not let up. They get you all riled up, upset, angry, worried, anxious. CUNTS!

Realising that the voice is a gremlin and part of your unconscious can help. Whatever it says. However bad it makes you feel, REMEMBER; It’s not true. It’s just something that YOU say to you (and probably no one else ever).

You have to remember, that your gremlins know diddly squat!. They are a product of your upbringing, the influential people you meet, your family, your culture. They are the sum of your belief system. Just because you say something, doesn’t mean it’s true. Sometimes you are mistaken. 

Your gremlins are cunts; TO YOU!

They are part of your mind swindle. 

You may look through a lens which makes it look true. 

You might act in a way that makes it come true

but when they tell you are rubbish, or no one will ever love you, don’t believe them. 

They are cunts!

Tell them to fuck off and make better friends! We all need good people in our lives and that starts with you!

Build an inner monologue. 

One that likes you. 

One that builds you up and cheers you on like you do to all your other friends.

Try it! If you do, you might start liking yourself!

Get rid of the cunts and that starts with you!

Today I want to talk to you about breathing. We spend so much of our time rushing here and there. Doing things for other people. Working, living… It's easy to get stressed or anxious about stuff. 

Once we are stress or anxious it's really hard to calm down and relax. Breathing is the key to learning how to relax. 

Most people don't think about breathing.. We do it unconsciously.. Most people breathe into their chest. That means that their chest rises and falls first when they breathe. 

Put your hand in the middle of your chest to see if this is you. 

The trick to learning to relax is to breathe deeper. Put your hands on the sides of your ribs and breathe into your hands so it pushes your hands outwards. Keep practicing because if you have never done it before, it can be a little hard.  Breathe in as deeply as you can and let your ribs expand out. Blow your breath out. 

The deeper you breathe the more you will relax. Breathe into your ribs. Blow the breath out. Practice breathing deeply into your ribs. Allow your hands to expand out. 

Now move your hand down to your belly. And instead of making your ribs expand first., allow your belly to rise first. Blow the breath out. Breathe Into your belly. Blow the breath out. 

Breathe in and Fill your belly with air like you are blowing up a balloon. Blow the breath out. This can be quite tricky to start with 

 But keep practicing and it will get easier. 

Focus on breathing and breathe in to your belly. 

Then blow your breath out. 

The deeper you breathe. The more you will relax. 

Breathe in as deeply as you can. Blow the breath out. Keep your hand on your belly and focus on making your hand rise first. 

Keep breathing as deeply as you can 

Blow out 

Tell yourself to relax 

Allow your breath to flow now 

Just Allow it to find its own natural rhythm 

We are going to have a little you time 

Just settle back and relax 

Close your eyes if they aren't already and allow your body to come to rest. 

Make sure your head and neck are in a really comfortable position because you are about to relax even more 

Where does the back of your head sit? 

is it comfortable? 

Now with your eyes closed imagine drawing a line along each eyelid from the inside of the eye to the outside

First one eye and then the other

And just allow them to relax.

Relax your cheeks and feel the air gently touching your skin

Relax your mouth. You will not be talking for a while so allow it to come to rest.

Notice how your tongue feels on the roof of your mouth

Take notice of your breathing and how your chest rises and falls

As you breathe in…. And out

Remember the deeper you breathe the more you can relax

So take a deep breath in and blow the breath out. 

Relax. You are safe

 

How are you feeling today? To be honest, it depends what time of day you are asking and what has been happening just before.

At the start of the day (especially if I have been for a run or done yoga) I might feel energised, taller, more grounded. If you ask me after work (especially  on a Friday) I might say frazzled! Ask me after those ADHD planning mishaps or blunders and I might tell you I hate myself or my life! 

It really depends on what I am saying to myself.

Am I being my friend or my very worst critic? Again, it depends on what's happening.

It is those thoughts we tell ourselves that create hormones that run round our body. These hormones affect how or what we feel. They are the emotions that drive us. 

We call them moods. I am in a good mood or a bad one! I am stressed! I am feeling hopeful. I am feeling excited!

Our moods change throughout the day, depending what is happening but we often have base line moods  that we are more commonly find ourselves in. I'm a optimistic person, or maybe an anxious one.

Your moods become like feedback loops. If I am feeling stressed I tell myself a narrative; a reason why I am stressed which makes me more stressed. I tell myself I am right to feel like that and might tell stories to continue or exacerbate how I feel. 

If I am optimistic, my thoughts will be optimistic, even when things don't look great, I'll find the best. If I am feeling worried, I can always find more reasons to feel worried. 

Biologically speaking, our moods are really what chemicals or hormones are running round the body and attaching themselves to cells. 

Each cell has millions of receptors covering the surface. Each receptor is like a tiny lock. It’s shape only fits with a certain shape key (ligand). When a chemical floats by it tries to attach itself to the cell. It bumps up against the lock and if it’s the correct shape it enters the cells and instructs the cell to behave a certain way. 

To give you an example, adrenaline. Adrenaline is the fight or flight response. When it's triggered, the brain instructs the adrenals to make adrenaline. It floods the body looking for cells to attach to. It connects to multiple sites around the body. The keys fit into the liver locks (receptors) and instructs the cell to make energy (glucose) They fit into other locks and instructs the stomach to shut down. Another lock and blood vessels dilate making muscles fill with blood so you feel tense. And so on…

If your body is continually flooded with a chemical the cell's receptors become desensitised and when they replicate, they do so with the instruction to add more of those receptors. Each time this happens, it makes that cell less likely to pick up other instructions.

This is why an alcoholic (or any other drug user) needs more alcohol to get the same effect.

Adrenaline is addictive so an adrenalin junkie needs bigger thrills to get the same hit. Someone who suffers with anxiety, finds themselves getting more and more anxious even though they hide away from danger. They see it everywhere!

Whatever chemical is predominantly running round your body, decides how you behave. You can’t be cool, calm and collected if you are adrenalised. 

What if? I can’t! I’m scared! All make you feel something? 

What do you call that predominant mood? That feeling/emotion has to elicit a certain kind of behaviour. 

If you suffer from anxiety, your cells have more adrenaline receptors than some other hormones. It's hard to get out of that way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. You have to slowly step by step retrain yourself.

Thoughts create hormones 

Hormones create feelings 

Feelings create behaviour 

Behaviour creates hormones 

Because we think how we always have; unconsciously, we literally have to bring it into the conscious and decide to change the way we think. I used to be an explosive, angry person. I used to be 0 to explosion in 5 seconds. When I first started my journey my kids would see me getting angry and  used to say “The power of now mum”. Oh my god I wanted to rage but if I did, I’d prove it didn’t work so I’d take a breath.

Gradually I learned to control myself better until I’ve become the person I now know. Lots of taking time to look at myself. I’ve learned to breathe and speak my truth. I trained myself to behave in a different way.

My thoughts count and so do yours.

Once you have decided you want things to change you have to start retraining yourself to be who you want to be. This is not an overnight thing. It all starts with becoming conscious.

How do you want to think, feel, behave? Change isn't instant. I'm still consciously choosing to change. It's just easier now!